To love someone is pretty painful.

I never understood love until I saw my mother shed tears for my father. She was holding his hand in the hospital bed. It was when my father got brain stroke and was paralyzed. He was lying half dead in the ICU.

I used to wake up in the middle of the night just to hear the sound of her heavy breathing and sniff crying. That time, seeing my mother’s dejection at that heartbreaking period, I thought to myself, “To love someone is pretty painful.”

I have seen how my parents’ love chop down and embalmed for years. I have witnessed how my mother used to play saddest song and the words she would murmur before she would get into the sleep after an argument with my father. I could hear her sniff crying then.

I used to ask her, “How can someone bear all the tantrums of another for so long? How can you swallow all your anger and be normal with the same person you fought the previous day? How can you love someone for these long years?” But she used to remain silent.

Then I realized that love is certainly tied with pain. When you love someone, it is unavoidable to get hurt over and over again. One can’t be always happy. There would be ruthless times, there would be hurricanes that would surely come in between.

Today, watching my mother and father laughing at some talk. Watching my mother helping my half paralyzed father to clean his hands after the meal. Watching my mother helping him climb through the steps. Watching them going for walking holding one another’s hand. Watching them transform and seeing them grow old together, I feel so blessed. The sparks in their eyes is nothing but love. Now, I realize my mother’s silence when I asked her those stupid questions then.

It is amazing how love prevails everything. Isn’t it constantly love that controls above everything? Isn’t it the urge of keeping the person you love despite their flaws and the will to accept that person with all your heart? Love is everywhere. Love is in every little thing. Love that stays even after the hurricanes, is a rare thing. So, if you get lucky to find yours, keep it. Preserve it. Nurture it.  

And certainly, I am asking to myself, “What more can I ask to God, when the feeling of true love is already right before my eyes?”

Believe me, love looks incredible. And I am thinking to myself, “Will I ever be able to open up all the pieces of my heart and let someone fill the gap in it?”  What if one of us falls and the other doesn’t? What then? Then it is going to hurt. I am not capable of making someone else blend the colors of their life with colors of my life. I can’t break myself and search for someone to put the pieces into the place. I am scared that I will only be the one falling in and getting hurt. I can never be like my mother. My insecurities and my stubbornness would always swallow the love that I have. 

I am left swirling with the question in my brain. I am left questioning everything. And you know, I have difficult time with this world. Often I think I am not meant for it.

Often I think I am not meant for it.

Maybe I could fall for someone. Just maybe. The thing is that, I love the idea of love but not being into love. And I am not interested in falling in love, because I am not capable. And I can’t.

But to be frank, I envy love and those who are in love. It is quite beautifully challenging being in love, right? But it is not that I am afraid of challenges also. I love challenges but not that love kind of challenges. I accept that love is rare. And it probably won’t happen to me. Maybe, love is not for me.

I am a kind of girl who appreciates love but doesn’t want to be in it. Because I am not interested in opening up all of the pieces of my heart and let someone fill the gap in it. I just don’t want it. And I feel that I am okay with it. Or maybe, I am just not ready for that.

But believe me, love looks incredible. And at times I think to myself that I can go for it. But then I realize that people judge me before they even know me. That’s why I’m better off alone. And I can’t let people judge me for who I am. I can’t break myself and search for someone to put the pieces into the place.

Maybe, I am happy for where I am without it. I am not capable of making someone else blend the colors of their life with colors of my life.

When people ask me why I run away from this beautiful thing called love, I am left swirling with the question in my brain. I am left questioning everything. And you know, I have difficult time with this world. Often I think I am not meant for it. 

There is a reason why I keep it all inside…

I feel like spitting out my entire story but I am afraid that not everyone would understand me. For that very reason, I tend to keep a lot to myself. I feel that it is difficult to find someone who understands exactly what one has got inside.

But seriously, at times I am proved wrong. My mother understands me right. She gets me exactly and accurately. But not every time. Nevertheless, I am overwhelmed with how she apprehends me and my feelings, often.

I am little more coward, actually. I usually don’t open up to people, not even to my close friends. I get scared that what if they get me wrong and laugh out. I am little too much sensitive. I can’t afford to let anyone close enough to hurt me. Precisely, I love myself more. I know, that sounds imprudent. Maybe, I am imprudent. This is me!

Seriously, I have been through my worst of times. At times, I was left with no other option than to quit. But no matter what, I pushed myself and stood up even stronger (my assumption). This happens every time. And I wonder for how long will I be fighting, because I know I can’t fight forever.

 I have always been my own saviour. I am kind of possessive with myself and my belongings. Most of the time I get kneeled down by my assertiveness. I try to explain my stand but somehow I am left with no specific words. And then, I tend to get afraid that what if I am not able to exactly describe what’s inside me. Being particular isn’t good, I suppose.

You see! I have written this long but there is nothing so eloquent about this article. I am not able to spit out exactly what I wanted to. Consequently, it is more of the paper stayed half-filled and I could not have defined it slightly better. Perhaps, I am afraid that not everyone would comprehend me. J

Gladdest thing under the sun!

I will be the gladdest thing under the sun! I'll touch a hundred flowers and not pick the one.

---- Edna St. Vincent Millay

 

There is a love that is divine

Look at this breeze

Seeing me alone, it’s teasing me.

Look, even these flowers

Seeing me alone, are nagging me.

Please come soon & hide me in your arms.

I beg you, hold me & never let me go.

When you are not here,

My world traumatizes all of sudden.

When you are not here,

Even the path I constantly walk turns into alien all of sudden.

Please come soon & catch my hand

And walk with me for eternity.

Take note, the song that I am singing

Are also waiting for your return.

Look, even my eyes are craving to see you.

I didn’t even perceive how secure I feel to have you.

I didn’t even realize that you have my heart already stolen.

Please come soon, I plead you & want you here with me.

Closer View.

Captivatingly Beautiful!

Love to listen!

I don't want to talk about it

                                             - Rod Stewart

I can tell by your eyes that you've probably been cryin' forever
And the stars in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart
If I stay here just a little bit longer
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?

If I stand all alone, will the shadows hide the colors of my heart
Blue for the tears, black for the night's fears
The star in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart
If I stay here just a little bit longer
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke this old heart

If I stay here just a little bit longer
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
My heart, whoa, heart